What's Values Got To Do With It?
Why knowing your deep inner drivers is essential during divorce
The Oxford Dictionary defines values as “a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life”. These are the guiding principles we learn, outgrow, refine,, and use to shape the way we go through life, do our work, and act in relationships. We all have them, but we aren’t always aware of them in any conscious sort of way. If asked we might say “faith, family, happiness,” or something similarly pat. But what are they really? How are they shaping or informing our behavior? And why is it important to connect with them during one of the most stressful events a person can go through?
Tell me what you value and I may believe you. Show me your calendar and your bank book and we’ll really know.
When I worked as a health coach in a medical setting, I would often get the quizzical look and shrug when I asked patients about their values. They would say:
“What do values have to do with making health goals?”
I would tell them that when we know what our deep drivers are, our intrinsic motivators, we can use them to help craft meaningful goals that keep us focused and move us forward towards lasting change instead of staying stuck in patterns that don’t serve us well. We’d then look at where they were spending time and energy and money, and if those places were really in alignment with their higher ideals. We’d explore how they could make shifts - big or small - that could put them closer to their desired path. And we’d craft some tools to help keep them on track.
So why during the breakdown of marriage is it important to bring your values to the forefront?
Because divorce often grants you an opportunity to move past old behaviors and stuck patterns (the ones that got you here, perhaps?), and begin to move towards a fuller expression of who you really are, who you are becoming, and who you want to be.
Divorce is hard - it’s emotional, uncomfortable, stressful, mean, and exhausting. You are here because you grew apart or can no longer see eye to eye or just don’t like each other anymore. Maybe you are still civil with each other, maybe not. Regardless, you’re now being asked to come to agreements, make proposals, be flexible, and offer compromises right when you’re most at odds. It’s very likely you’ll still get pulled into old ways of engagement - ways that can cause lasting wounds, some bone-deep, others merely surface, and can lead you to behave in ways you ultimately regret. Often they’re reactions that impact the divorce process itself and sometimes the outcome. And those worn, reflexive reactions can echo in your nervous system for months or years to come.
What if you were able to identify a few focused traits that you feel deeply aligned with - even if you don’t feel like you’re truly exhibiting them right now - and cultivated ways to keep those values close at hand? What if you used those values to help you stay on track with who and how you want to be during your divorce and after - regardless of triggers or circumstances?
As a divorce coach it’s an important piece of creating a plan with my clients. Using a long list of potential values we pare away until we come up with three or four that are most resonant. Identifying these core values allows you a focused and succinct way to connect with your higher self. So when you’re feeling drawn into the fray you can access a few simple words which bring you back to the present moment and the business at hand, instead of spiraling into the past.
My clients often use core values combined with personal strengths (a separate exercise we do) to create a personal credo or mantra - a brief phrase that encapsulates the essential you you are aspiring to be, and helps empower you during challenging exchanges.
It might be a declarative sentence like: “I come from a place of purpose, generosity of spirit, and compassion, both towards myself and others.”
Or a reminder of your worth: “I am a loving and skillful parent.”
Or a reconnection to your power: “I know my worth. I am a brave and authentic leader who shows up and does the hard work.”
This gives you an at-hand tool that you can use when you feel the pull of reactivity. It allows you to regain some solid footing and a sense of calm and centeredness. A personal credo helps you manage the triggering interactions which will certainly arise; keeps you in alignment with your values; and moves you through the minefield of divorce with your head high.
These tools may not always be at the ready - sometimes the situation is too tough, the provocation too intense, or your emotional state too tender - but they are there to come back to, to reaffirm, and to guide you forward.