Recently I’ve been tinkering with a presentation I gave at a conference last spring. I’m giving it again to a different group and have been revisiting the material to make sure it’s fresh and up to date. The subject matter is one I’m familiar with and enjoy a lot, so I immediately got into the groove of it, feeling excited to be sharing it to a new audience.
The title is “Turning Fear to Focus” and it’s intended to help attorneys and other divorce professionals gain perspective and a few easy tools to offer their clients. I’d been flipping through the slides, mouthing my speech as I went, when I got word that my best friend’s brother was entering hospice.
He’d been diagnosed with brain cancer seven months prior and had been living in a care home most of that time. When the pain and discomfort grew unbearable, and he was both physically cleared and mentally ready, he asked to be moved back to his hometown so he could die in a comfortable setting with loved ones and without pain.
Out on my walks over the next few days, my mind made a meld of the two topics that were pinging around my brain the most: collaborative divorce and hospice. And with thanks very much to my deep affection for metaphor, I started seeing the places where there was overlap, where the concept of hospice could quite beautifully describe the intent of the collaborative process.
Indulge me.
Hospice is defined as “specialized care that provides physical comfort and emotional, social, and spiritual support for people nearing the end of life. Your hospice team includes doctors, nurses, social workers, and home health aides who provide care that centers on your comfort and dignity.”1
To flesh that out a bit, let’s add some key aspects:
The focus is on comfort, not on a cure.
It’s team based. There are medical professionals, social workers, spiritual guides or clergy, and even volunteers. All specially trained to meet the needs of the patient.
Services are specific to each patient’s needs, but in general hospice provides pain management, counseling, and help with daily necessities.
Duration: hospice can begin when the patient has less than six months to live and will endure until the patient passes away.
Although I have not personally experienced a loved one in hospice, I have witnessed it through friends’ and relatives’ eyes. They’ve described it as a space of reverence and honor, of compassion and potential for meaning and growth. The care team acts with intention, offering respect and care to the patient and their family members without unduly sugar-coating anything that’s currently happening — or will happen.
Now let’s define collaborative divorce:
Collaborative divorce is a non-adversarial divorce process where couples work together with specially trained lawyers and other professionals to reach a settlement without going to court. The team focuses on cooperation, open communication, and common interests rather than the divisions that have brought them there.
Here are some of the main aspects:
The focus is on cooperation instead of fostering animosity or divisiveness.
It’s team based. Spouses partner with their lawyers, a financial neutral2, a child specialist if needed, and a divorce coach3 all specially trained to meet the needs of the clients.
Services: specific to each couple’s needs, collaborative divorce offers the space to create divorce agreements on finances, property, and parenting, and ultimately drafting and filing the final legal documents once settled.
Duration is determined in great part by the spouses’ commitment to the process and the complexity of their situation.
Do you see the similarities?
With hospice there is no question why the patient is there: they’re dying. They may not have the exact date or time, but the end result is guaranteed. The caregivers are there to dispel any misconceptions of death and dying to the patient and their loved ones. They clarify the act itself; distilling dying down to its physical aspects — the hows and whys and whats — while holding space for whatever additional spiritual/mental health/cultural guidance the patient may seek.
Ideally hospice offers a calm and nurturing space for people to transition to whatever comes next. There is an acknowledgement of the eventuality — radical acceptance even — of where the process is leading. The caregivers keep each other up to date with the patient’s progress and revise the plan if/when necessary. They strive to keep the patient comfortable, checking in on their pain levels, offering sustenance, reassurance, guidance, clarity, and next steps in whatever ways have been agreed upon.
I feel like I could rewrite the paragraphs above and just swap out hospice for collaborative divorce and it would still very much make sense. So I will.
There is no question about what the spouses are there for: they’re divorcing. They may not have the exact date or time, but the end result is guaranteed. The collaborative team is there to dispel any misconceptions about divorce — traditional, collaborative, and otherwise — to the couple. They clarify the process of collaborative, distilling it down to its key aspects — the hows and whys and whens — while referring out for whatever additional spiritual/mental health/cultural guidance the spouses may seek.
Ideally collaborative divorce offers a calm and nurturing space for people to transition to whatever comes next. There is an acknowledgement of the eventuality — radical acceptance even — of where the process is leading. The team keeps each other up to date with the spouses’ progress and revises the plan if/when necessary. The team strives to keep the spouses comfortable, checking in on their pain levels, offering sustenance, reassurance, guidance, clarity, and next steps in whatever ways have been agreed upon.
See what I mean?
Terminally ill people choose hospice in order to face the inevitable with courage and purpose while being surrounded by caring and supportive professionals. For those whose marriages have come to an end, collaborative divorce can be the most compassionate way to go about it. Both spaces work to be loving and life-affirming, maintaining (or building) agency and meaning in the face of something terrible.
For those of us working within the divorce space — mediators, coaches, attorneys, CDFAs, CDLPs, etc, etc — we have been given the honor and responsibility of helping people craft a kinder and more empowering way through. Appealing to spouses’ higher selves, their deep core values, their common histories, and their shared interests allows us to create a space of nurturance instead of destruction.
Speaking for myself, I find it an incredible honor to walk beside a divorcing person; to help them regain solid footing beneath them; to watch them reconnect to their innate power; and to bear witness to their transformation. As a divorce coach, my job really is like that of a hospice worker: when a marriage is dying, my work is to help it end as peacefully, and pain-free as possible.
Cleveland Clinic’s definition.
Called a Certified Divorce Financial Advisor or CDFA
Divorce coaches who work within the collaborative divorce teams act as neutrals and must be licensed mental health providers. Divorce coaches like me work one on one with clients, typically outside of the team structure, when one spouse needs additional support.
Two very tender and human passages, endings. Each an honor to be a part of. Wonderful post!